How to win at office politics

It doesn’t matter how good you are at your job. What matters is how good your boss thinks you are. So if you want to get ahead, you have to make your superiors think you are brilliant. This isn’t about the work you do, it’s about how much they like you. Never mind that it will piss off all your colleagues, here are the top tips for winning at office politics:

Gossip

Make sure you tell your boss the latest gossip, if it is about someone the MD hates it’s even better.

Listen

It can be lonely at the top. Make sure you are always available for the boss to confide in. And try not to fall asleep when they go on about their pets.

Always go to the Friday night “bonding” drinks

That is unless your directors are on holiday. Don’t forget to buy the bosses a drink and laugh at their jokes.

Be the fall guy

When your MD has something in their calendar they dread, offer to do it for them. Even if this means jumping out of a plane for some industry fund-raising event.

“Inadvertently” copy the entire board on your best ideas

That “send-to-all” button can be your friend sometimes!

Shout about your successes

When you land some great coverage (or any coverage) make a loud whooping sound. Make sure your boss gets to hear about your every achievement. If you can take credit for someone else’s, so much the better.

Be a slave

When the boss decides to invite everyone to his or her house for a summer party, make any offer to help out. Cook food, be the DJ, help to clear up.

Love the boss’s family

When the boss brings the kids to work, be super friendly. And when they have gone, go on about what wonderful children they are. Not in a creepy way, obviously.

Be sycophantic

Whatever the boss does is great in your eyes. Even the awful watercolours they do at their art class.

Sponsor your MDs

If possible join in the fund raising event. If that means running a marathon, so be it, just make sure you don’t run faster than them.