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Quainton writes press release for column about press releases

Credit: David Quainton

Author demands applause, beer.

For immediate release.

LONDON, MAYBE. February sometime.

David Quainton, [bit between the commas that reminds people of vision or asserts hegemony in PR columning], has written a [choose your own superlative] column on press releases, the first column since the last one. [Needless second sentence that is only here because everyone gave-up arguing once it was clear the second launch date had already been missed].

Quainton [bit about previous columnar successes], examines press releases and whether there is an alternative. He concludes that there should be, but that there is not.

The valorous and verbose visionary’s release, [bit about how many releases have been written this year so that journalists have a nice stat to pilfer], has typically long sentences because, gosh, there’s just so darn much to fit in.

[Crosshead, because we all need a break]

The release fails to recognise that journalists either fall into the camp that post the entire thing online in order to fill their daily online quota; or those that have an interest in the subject and will probably remove all the bits where it asserts how great Quainton is.

Quainton and team have a moment of pause concerning use of semicolon in previous sentence; worry about tenses; remember about the two types of journalist; relax.

[Something vague like ‘Research shows that…’] no-one has ever devised a completely successful alternative to the press release, so everyone continues writing them just the same.

David Quainton [job title with capped-up first letters even though every good publication’s style guide means they will be capped-down by a sub-editor] says:

“It should be ‘said’, why ‘says’? We established in the first sentence this was past tense, because that’s how news is written. Or was written. How is news written these days? What would ChatGPT do?”

[Quote directly from someone else important but actually created using ChatGPT *]:

"In an era where the press release teeters on the brink of obsolescence and omnipotence, one might wonder, 'To semicolon or not to semicolon?',” says/said the bot. “And in that moment of reflection, we find our answer, chuckling, 'What would ChatGPT do?’”

About press releases

[Background on the subject, both comfort and filler]

[About Quainton]

[Boilerplate: pored over by the authors, nurtured, every detail lovingly sculpted into the perfect definition of the protagonist. Completely ignored by recipients.]


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