What is the most rubbish present you got for Christmas?

I know it’s supposed to be all about the thought, and not the gift, but I sometimes wonder what my friends and relatives were thinking when they went shopping for my presents. It certainly can’t have been me, or they would know that:

a) I am not interested in personal grooming so deodorant is not a good idea and

b) I have never worn, nor do I intend to wear, a Santa hat.

Apart from the waste of unwanted gifts, there is also the mountain of unwanted cards. Not that e-cards are any better, I never even opened any of the ones I was sent.

I am a miserable git at Christmas though, so don’t listen to me. Listen instead to the moans of my colleagues. Here’s what they said when asked what their least favourite present was.

Scented candle

I don’t get the point of these either. May as well just burn a ten-pound note, it takes up much less time and burns brighter.

Bottle opener

Most households already have at least one of these, they don’t need any more.

Christmas jumper

Who does the PR for Christmas jumpers? They deserve a pay rise. Other than keeping the knitwear sector in work Christmas jumpers take up valuable wardrobe space - especially as they are only worn once a year.

“Arty” ornament

There is nothing worse than getting some hideous vase or sculpture that you have to remember to drag out of the cupboard when the giver comes to visit.

A re-gift

Especially when it’s a present you got rid of a few years ago.

A photo of the giver

If you wanted a photo of them, you’d take it yourself.

Novelty Christmas-tree earrings

The words “gift” and “novelty” should never go together.

Dustpan and brush

Cleaning equipment is a terrible idea. And just because those rubber gloves are trimmed with feathers doesn’t change the fact they are rubber gloves. Unless you are giving them as a kinky present, in which case, see the next point.

Sexy underwear

Anything that is to do with sex needs to be kept private, not put under the Christmas tree to be unwrapped in front of elderly relatives. Someone may have a stroke (no innuendo intended, you really are sex mad!).

A Microwave
My Dad, bless him, bought my mum a microwave. She went berserk. Didn't help the happy family atmosphere - he almost wore the turkey!