Our offices might not the most exciting place, but we have a lot more fun sitting at our computers, updating Twitter and even doing spreadsheets, than we do at some of the “glamorous” and “exciting” events we are expected to attend. We like to drink champagne as much as the next person, but surely it is meant to add to the excitement, rather than be needed to deaden the pain?

Only the other day we were sitting down at a smart do at the races. “What fun!” you might say. “What a load of arse!” we reply, and we don’t mean the horses’ behinds. We were surrounded by the most boring toffs that you can imagine. Their whole lives revolve around thoroughbreds, and have been doing so for generations. While this may have created some fantastic race champions, it has also bred the most terrific bores. We were also dismayed to watch them gambling away their inheritance all day, it was enough to put us off betting forever. And as for their grooming! Well, safe to say, this had all been saved for the horses. The only thing these people seemed to exercise (apart from their beloved animals) was their mouths. Were we having fun? We have to say “neigh!”.

So we knocked back the medicine, and considered other events where we have felt our lives slipping away. Here are the bottom five:

1. Trade fairs. Need we say more? Have you ever enjoyed one? How did you manage it, were drugs involved perchance?

2. Awards dos. Sometimes there is a comedian to entertain you, but often there isn‘t. Then you have to spend two hours clapping. That’s why we still smoke, gives us a chance to escape outside.

3. The races. See above.

4. Rugby/motor-racing/golf events. Many clients are actually women. Many women hate sporting events and we do too. If it’s your cup of tea, do it in your own time, don’t waste ours.

5. Team-building outings. Aarrghh! Probably the worst of the lot. The days we’ve lost doing “fun” things such as shooting each other with paintballs. It has never made a tiny bit of difference to how people work with each other in our experience. The minute they are back in the office, it’s same old, same old.