No time for small talk to start this week’s column. Once again, the media has been rammed with the kinds of stories that I don’t feel fit well with the tone and style of this column. Don’t think for one minute that I am not looking on aghast; I just believe that they are better investigated by those who are more qualified to do so.

Onwards to Good and Bad PR victory.

A week is a long time in banking comms

Let me give you an insight into the well-oiled machine that sits behind this world-renowned PR column. When I see a story I like, I send myself a text message to remind me to write about it. Then, when the time comes to sit down and get the quill and parchment out, I compare my own notes, those of the media machine that is Alan S Morrison and the anonymous tip-offs that are also sent through. Hey presto, the column is prepared.

This week, I sent myself about 10 links to LinkedIn posts from the C-Suite of Lloyds. To mark the occasion of its fantastic results, it asked the senior team to talk through its own area of success and post them individually on LinkedIn. It was a content marketing dream, and it was going to be the first time something like this had won the oft-coveted position of being the first Good PR of the week.

Then, in the same week, it announced a load of branch closures, and undid all of the great work from its senior team. So, Lloyds instead receives the first-ever “Balanced Out” PR of the week. It could have been so magical.

Co-op accused of a toxic culture

The Co-op’s champion of the people status has had an up and mostly down 12 months.

Last year, we had the Co-Op Live shenanigans and the Co-Op cyber hack.

Now we have “Senior Co-op staff complain of 'toxic' culture at the top.“

As a highly paid corporate communications consultant might say: “High risk. Not ideal.”

Bad PR for the Co-Op that.

Teenage mutant Jersey turtle returns home

I am always here for the animal-related good news stories. A rare turtle took a wrong turn whilst swimming near Britain. Storm Goretti blew it off course and into our chilly seas. The turtle went into cold shock and washed up on the gold-plated coastline of Jersey.

After a brief period of recuperation involving their famous potatoes and lettuce leaves galore, it was time for it to go to somewhere better equipped to get it back on its feet. That place being a Sealife Centre in Southampton, before being released in the spring.

Turtle experts feared that it would not make the ferry journey (I don’t know why either), and Loganair stepped in to offer it safe passage to the next stage of its recovery. It received a special X-Ray scan to make sure it was not secretly carrying drugs (no, really) before then being logged as a passenger on the flight. I love the little details like this.

It is now safely in Southampton and is said to be recovering well. Loganair and New Era Vet practice in St Saviour, Jersey get a double Good PR from me!

13-year-old superhuman saves his family

Only in Australia. If I were in peril at sea, with no phone signal and left stranded with my own teenagers, the only way I could have convinced them to swim the potential 8 miles back to shore to save me is if I promised them that they would get a 5G mobile signal on the way.

I think many a UK parent read the story about the 13-year-old Australian lad who saved his mum and two siblings by swimming so far, took a sideways glance at our own kids watching TikTok on the sofa next to us and thought we would have been toast (or a shark starter). Austin Appelbee is a true superhuman, not many adults, let alone such a young lad could achieve such an athletic feat of endurance.

He deserves the global praise that he is now receiving, and surely what he has been truly waiting for is a Good PR gong from me! Nice one Austin.

Oatly proves that you can’t milk a nut

I am not sure if an oat is considered a nut, but let’s roll with it. I live in a rural area where the farmers are, quite rightly, considered gods. My favourite farmer is a close friend called Lee, or Striker for short.

He regularly holds court and imparts his farming wisdom and facts over a bottle of vintage Gold-Top. One of my favourite farming facts that he has told me is that “if it has a nipple, you can milk it”. I’m laughing whilst typing this…

I am thinking that my good mate Striker may secretly work as an expert witness for dairy farmers in their case against Oatly. The UK Supreme Court this week ruled that the brand can no longer use the word “milk” to flog its drab-tasting liquid. If only the humble oat had been the recipient of a nipple, and then my good mate Lee would have let it pass.

Bad PR for Oatly and Good PR for common sense.

PR banter

In a harmless update/latest instalment of the PR trade body buzzword bingo wars (tick as appropriate: definition, lobbying, register, AVE, strategic, ethics, stakeholders and The NLA), a positive mention in dispatches goes to the PRCA for its new definition of what PR is.

Is it better than the last one? No idea. But as a highly paid corporate communications consultant might say: “A change is as good as a holiday!”

I tried to carry a bit of favour from “the world’s largest professional body for public affairs, PR, and communications” (really, what about America?) by flagging the definition change amongst the degree-educated LinkedIn crew. Didn’t go very well, 40 odd comments later, I gave up the fight.

Sheep Heaven

Finally, Britain’s loneliest sheep gave birth to two lambs this week to transform itself into the world's best mum! What a result.